MÈRE Stories: Kourtney Youmans
Our first pregnancy started like most, but ended unlike many.
After trying for several months to get pregnant, we finally saw those two little pink lines and were over the moon excited! We went to our confirmation appointment, saw the baby moving, heard the heartbeat & were continually getting the “check marks” at every doctors appointment.
Until we didn’t.
My husband, Matthew, and I walked into our 17 week appointment chatting and joking with our beloved OB all the way to the appointment room. We were bantering about Covid-19 (this was just weeks before the quarantine) and were eager to see the baby on the ultrasound monitor like usual. The doctor began his scan as we were still chatting and I was staring at the screen with utmost anticipation.
My husband unknowingly kept talking, while I noticed our doctor completely zoning out of the conversation and my eyes instantly began to flood with tears.
I knew.
Suddenly the room went quiet as we waited desperately to hear the heartbeat. The doctor uttered “I don’t know how to say this but… there’s no heartbeat.”
In that moment my heart broke and it’s never ever been the same.
That day was mostly a blur. I remember my mom coming over and falling to my knees when the nurse called to make arrangements for me to deliver the baby.
I asked if I was going to have to deliver this baby like I would if the baby was alive and she said, “Yes, you will essentially be induced.” What I didn’t realize in that moment was that I truly was going to deliver this baby naturally and on my body’s time… which meant 5 days in the hospital waiting on my body to let go of the baby my heart so desperately yearned for.
When he was born, we could not stop staring at him. He was so tiny, yet we noticed so many features that we found joy in imagining what they would’ve looked like had he stayed with us. He was beautiful and perfect and his image is permanently imprinted on my heart and in my mind forever.
We left the hospital with nothing but a box of remembrance items and a teddy bear we named “Tiny Teddy”. To this day. Tiny Teddy lays in our bed every night, has been to the hospital with us while our babies have been born, has been a part of every single family photo session and has slept with our earthly babies on “hard” nights. Our Tiny Teddy is a BIG reminder of a love that runs so deep within Matt and Is veins for our “Tiny Baby/Blueberry” boy.
If you had to summarize your journey in motherhood with all its challenges, how would you describe it now? How have you found a way to reclaim your strength or identity? What have you learned?Motherhood, to me, is powerful.
Prior to our loss and prior to having our three children, I could have never imagined the strength, perseverance and love that a woman is capable of.
But motherhood has taught me just how strong a woman can be. I was a mom to a little boy that is now our amazing guardian angel, and because of him and the love he showed me I pushed through every hard day to be able to bring our other three children into this world and give Matt and I the opportunity to show that deep, unwavering love to Ellie, Stella and Finn. We are better parents because of what we went through, and we will continue to show the love and appreciation we have for parenthood through our children every single day for the rest of our lives.
What advice or words of encouragement would you give another mom walking through a similar chapter? My best advice would be to realize men and women grieve differently and there’s no right way to grieve.
It’s really hard when you’re in the depths of your grief and you feel like your partner may be grieving faster or lighter just because it’s in a different way than you. Keep communication open, talk openly about your pains, ask how your partner is feeling and keep checking in. Communication, raw communication at that, is so vital during that initial time of loss.
How has your journey changed you, both in ways you expected and in ways you never could have imagined?Our journey to becoming parents was difficult & gut-wrenching. Having lost our first baby boy, it felt like we had the earthly titles of “Mom & Dad” taken away from us.
However, when we met our Ellie and held her in our arms for the first time, God mended us in a way that I could never fully describe. Our loss confirmed just how badly we wanted to be parents, and when we were finally given that earthly opportunity, we have NEVER taken it for granted.
We now have Ellie, Stella and Finn and with each and every healthy, perfect baby we have deeply felt a love we’ve never experienced before and an utmost appreciation for the gift of parenthood that God has given us.
Because of our loss, we have never and will never take for granted the three gifts that we have been given.
— Kourtney Youmans
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